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Thread: *chortles*

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    Beyond Grantlike electrowizard's Avatar
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    *chortles*

    My self-summary
    Greetings and salutations, human. *curtsies most gracefully* As a novelist and devotee of the arts, I do not have the time, the patience, nor the proper skill set to socialize in person, so I defer to online means.

    Oh, and per chance it may help to summarize me, though the test has little ground, I am also an INFP. Behold:

    "Unhappy is he to whom the memories of childhood bring only fear and sadness. Wretched is he who looks back upon lone hours in vast and dismal chambers with brown hangings and maddening rows of antique books, or upon awed watches in twilight groves of grotesque, gigantic, and vine-encumbered trees that silently wave twisted branches far aloft. Such a lot the gods gave me -- to me, the dazed. The disappointed; the barren, the broken." -- The Outsider. Need I explain why the short tale resonates so greatly with me? Methinks not.

    Shall we begin?
    What I’m doing with my life
    I typically find joy in pondering the universe and living life to its fullest.

    *chortles* How's that for cliché? My actual agenda is a little more deviant, so I'll be keeping that to myself, thank you very much.
    I’m really good at
    Desecrating Barbie dolls by ripping out their hair and biting the heads off of animal crackers. In conclusion, I'm 90lbs of pure evil.

    Oh, and I am adept at allowing my giant teddy bear (who I have christened "Harold") to be the big spoon in our lover's embrace lest I succumb to the treacherous human feeling dubbed "the loneliness." Fret not, just like the pitchfork wielding villagers, this Loneliness Beast has yet to claim me. Strange as you perceive it to be, Harold, my dearest glass-eyed-stuffed-fur-creature, neither snores nor pushes me off the bed during my few crucial hours of slumber, so this peculiar partnership is particularly preferable to the pestering pompousness of mortal company.

    In short, I graduated high school at the age of 16, so I'm also unfathomably skilled at being antisocial (nae, I amn't narcissistic. Why on this Earth would I boast such an otherwise undesirable quality?) This being the case, stuffed animals and non-human creatures have long since become my truest of friends, and should this bother you, che liberazione.

    I can also solve a scrambled Rubik's Cube in under 34 seconds, and I could do it in a much faster manner if it weren't for my ineffective hands. *looks down at them with great spite* Damn these pitifully-sized things.

    I am also prone to getting in arguments with professors due to my blatant refusal to cease using the traditional Oxford comma, and I have spent many a year raiding Goodwills and back-alley thrift stores for First Edition classics and worn vintage bibles from long-dead pastors. It's a skill beckoning to be harnessed much like any other.

    Now beware, readers, for I am frequently told I am "sassy." In my unsolicited opinion, I much prefer the terms "spirited" and/or "one that beholds a personality putrid enough to peel paint." I believe the latter is far more fitting. My nicknames growing up also included "witch" and "abomination!" bestowed upon me by all the other schoolyard children as they pelted me with rocks and hit me with evergreen sticks. This being said, I try to be as pleasant as I can with most all persons, but if you come off too strong as though you are entitled to my attention and physical company, do be aware that I will metaphorically hand your ass to you (she says in the kindest of tones). Now, please continue on should you wish to discover an extensive list of my most favored worldly things.
    Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
    Books: Classic literature (one of my most prized possessions in my Harvard's Classics collection gifted to me by my father and mentor, printed in 1910. That, and my Bible from the 1880's. If 'twas not evident already, I take great delight in possessions old and worn).

    Movies: Horror and Disney (I double devilishly dare you to show me something that will make me flinch as said feat is borderline impossible. The only thing I cringe from is the thought of my own existence). I also enjoy viewing many a classic film devoid of all color; This world would be a great deal more tolerable for me if it closely followed suit.

    Shows: Anything medical related and/or that is composed of talking animals. After years of loyal viewing, I still have full hopes that The Wonder Pets will save my day should I ever find myself in a near inescapable bind. Ming-Ming is just so damn fuzzy.

    Music: Classical to metal, from Tchaikovsky to DevilDriver and Nox Arcana; My tastes are rather varied. I am trained in classical piano, so I am biased towards said discipline. Though, I also take interest in ragtime (I am told I look quite ominous with the dark hair that casts shadows upon my peculiar face as I play. All the better to frighten you with, m'dear). Furthermore, despite my tendon injury to my left hand, and much to the chagrin of my physician, I have recently taken up violin again.
    ♫ Ain't nothin' ever gonna keep me down! ♫

    Furthermore, in addition my arduous schooling and my passion of playing the piano and violin, I am in the process of perfecting my drawing hand for both pencil art and classic calligraphy. I also ride many a wild steed as a trained equestrian (which, be forewarned, I take rather seriously and will most likely attempt to mount your back for adequate daily practice). I am also an aspiring Linguist and study four languages (including, but not limited to: Latin, Russian, Italian, and Romanian, with some dabbling in Old and Middle English). In summation, I partake in more than a few hobbies which keeps me rather preoccupied. Independence and emotional stability (i.e. no neediness) are thus imperative qualities in any male I may consider as a potential mate.

    Food: My palate is keen to fetuses of all races and religions so long as they aren't too tough to chew or spicy in flavor. Dramatisism aside, I am on a strict diet, so I am not one to eat at public food establishments save for a very rare occasion. This extensive list of distaste also includes coffee as, regardless of its compound, said vile concoction is like drinking the Black Death in a cup. I also find alcoholic beverages rather unappealing regardless of the age restriction, so if one offers to treat me to a colorful liquid that reeks of a smell similar to isopropyl, I must kindly decline. Apologies in advance, though I am not opposed to communing with drunkards from a prudent distance.
    The six things I could never do without
    I. Fuzzy things (if you do not avidly partake in the splendor that is caressing fuzzy things, then be gone from my page and return from whence you came).

    II. Books (gotta stand on something to look through my apartment peephole). I read them sometimes, too, and by "them," I refer to the thousand or so vintage editions I have spread about because I prefer to read on the floor and sleep on the bookshelf. Aye, this little demon creature beith haphazard chaos disguised in insignificantly sized human form.

    III. My piano (also doubles as a bed -- I speaketh no shit. Come to think of it, so does the top of my fridge. In essence, I sleep anywhere I'm not supposed to that is on higher ground). Inside of said piano, I cuddle my dusty violin and silently cry in mourning of my severed superficialis tendon due to a permanent injury I sustained from broken glass. The digit impairment hinders my playing ability somewhat and continues to cause me aching pain on the daily. However, it does not stop me entirely, and with this single existence I was granted from whatever power above, I allow myself no other recourse save for being fervent in pressing forward from my frequent falter.

    IV. Mosquito repellent (cuz them dirty bitches be suckin' me all night long. Welcome to Virginia, I suppose). Truthfully, the Culicoidea masses cannot resist me.

    V. Sunblock SPF 10,000 (someone patent it... please, for the love of God). Lest I burn like that of a charred pumpernickel, I avoid the Sun like the Bubonic Plague. Having once had to dodge between school buildings like a nimble alley cat only to get burned despite my best efforts, I have come to terms with just how intolerant my integumentary system is to the likes of horrific ultraviolet fire-rays. As such, I now ride horses at night in a lighted ring and most all of my courses are scheduled after nightfall.

    VI. A six-speed manual transmission (who would pass up the opportunity to speed shift?) Yes, I adamantly refuse to operate a vehicle that is not standard lest I be robbed blind of the proper driving experience.

    VII. A seventh thing for bonus points: Sunglasses. I have suffered from horrendous light-induced migraines since early childhood, so a pair of dark shades are truly heaven sent in my times of piercing pain.

    VIII. And lastly, because limits are a foreign concept to me, an eighth thing: the gentle touch of a cat's cold, wet nose. 'Tis the purest form of delight and joy on this otherwise forsaken planet. *shamelessly squeals with girlish glee*
    I spend a lot of time thinking about
    My having been born in the wrong century. Everyone and their grandmothers know I was an arrogant aristocrat in another life.

    I also intensively question why the scant amount of adipose tissue I manage to gain goes straight to my chipmunk cheeks. The next time someone pinches them, I swear upon Asmodeus himself, said heinous act will be that person's last!

    In addition, I spend many a minute licking my wounds that I sustain every time I crawl up from Hell. *places a cold compress upon my lacerated knees* I really do need to find a more efficient way up here, but you mortals are just too tempting for me to stay down below. *menacingly flashes my teeth*

    Also, why many a person assume I have the temperament of a female dog. I am rather pleasant unless otherwise provoked. I prefer peace and turning the other cheek, but after a certain point, I assure you my retaliation is in defense of harassment, which I believe we are all entitled to fighting against.

    I am also working on getting an invention patented, so that has been taking up the good majority of my time lately.
    On a typical Friday night I am
    Building my Gothic Empire.

    I also typically ponder why I look so damn young, yet feel so ancient. Then, after sipping a cup of life-liquid as I play myself in countless matches of chess, I bask in the stinging pain of unfulfillment, star gaze, moon bathe, and talk in hushed tones to things that aren't actually there. Dost thou still desire to be my friend? If such be case, I woefully offer my commiseration as you give your life to me in the name of my sustenance.
    You should message me if
    The thought of allowing a dark angel to explore every corner of your mortal soul is not entirely abhorrent, and if you possess the necessary male bravado and lack of self-preservation required to do so.

    Your common questions answered:

    - No, I am not a farce, cynical persons hailing from the land of "Teh Interweb." As much as I'd like to just be a figment of your imagination, I do inhabit a human body from time to time. A lilliputian one, at that. *glares at you with the chilling promise of death lest you feel inclined to make a stature comment* Bear in mind that what I lack in vertical inches, I make up for in credit score. Still, to ease the mind of the average cynic, I recently acquired this questionable contraption called "Snap of Chat." If we get that far, due to the prevalence of skepticism in this day and age from males and females alike, I will verify my identity with the help of said application. Oh, how my face gets from here to there with the simple touch of a button, I will never conceive of. Teleportation? Nae, magic. Technology... 'tis a work of true sorcery.

    - No, I do not worship Satan. I can appreciate the beauty of Darkness without bowing down to its Lord. I cannot proclaim the same for Lucifer, however; What my eldest cat-child does in his free time is of his own choosing.

    - My major, as that is third in line for the most common opening questions I receive. I am an English Literature major with plans to become a university professor. Yes, that means I may have a long road ahead of me in terms of schooling. *shrugs nonchalantly* What can I say? My longest standing love is academia. But, quote some Tennyson and I might make some room in my cold, unbeating heart for a mortal male companion. In the meantime whilst obtaining said degree, I make a living through the cliché method of entrepreneurship through which I design and sell handmade clothing, you see. I am also employed by a large undisclosed company, meaning that I spend what little remaining free time I possess slaving for the system. Lastly, and most importantly, my ultimate undying passion entails assuming the life of a published author. If said path of authorship takes flight, in addition to the company, I may consider leaving school to pursue jotting down what I see in the realm of my personal imaginings full-time. Huzzah.

    * Important update: I have since left formal schooling to purse opportunities in the profession of the arts. Never in my four hundred years of existence did I think I'd say this, but: hashtag, no regrets. If you have any questions regarding how I earn my living or my change in profession, you may ask them accordingly.

    Random questions I am also asked:

    Natural hair color (do males honestly care?) Regardless, I will answer in an effort to diminish the number of repetitive questions: I was born with jet black hair and pallid skin (oh, how that scared the holiness out of blond-haired, blue-eyed blood kin. My only sibling thus adamantly asserts that, sometime during my early infancy, I was found inside a chain restaurant's dumpster. Oh, brother dearest; Why dost thou still hate me so?) Most unfortunately, my strands turned to dark brown as I aged. As such, I tint it back to my preferred raven shade using a combination of natural henna and indigo. Update: After several years of my raven locks, I am considering returning to my natural shade of brown. Again, this is merely a thought, and the matter depends solely on if my hair is a permanently stained as my soul is.

    Pets: I have five feline playfellows, all black males, formal names Asmodeus, Astaroth, Alastor, Amaymon, and Abalam; Informal: Lucifer, Grimm, Rudolf, Frederik, and Viktor. They are my protectors and closest of brethren, so thou must neither be allergic or opposed.

    Tattoos: None, and I have no desire to be inked or pierced. I do not like the look, and I am not partial to permanence in regards to my aesthetic. I am however unopposed to ink on a male suitor so long as it can be covered effectively in a professional setting.

    Heritage: I presume I am asked this question often because of the contrast of my light and dark features. Indeed, I am not a pureblooded Celt. I am 100% European, hailing straight down from the Scottish clan MacMillan, hence the root of my surname. My mother, however, is full-blooded Russian with darker features. Thus, upon exiting the womb, I look rather Black Irish. This is true, if only I were actually Irish; Alas, I am simply a proud Scot who partakes in Celtic festivities as well as the frequent pillaging of mortals' villages. My history is rather... complicated, so simply shrug obediently and ask questions not.

    Bonus feature: I have five beauty marks on my upper, outer left thigh that form an upside down pentagram. Thus, I have been marked since birth. *cackles maniacally* And so it begins...

    Am I religious? Yes, though my beliefs are rather private and I do not discuss them often. This being said, I will accept nothing less than religious tolerance for myself and for the spiritual beliefs of others. In short, live and let live, but when push comes to shove and that shove involves your assertions down my esophagus, I will push back, and bear in mind that my orifice of choice won't be as forthcoming. Sí? Bene.

    Favorite scent: Cinnamon, spice, and nothing nice. I am frequently told I smell like it.

    Favorite animal: Depends on how they're cooked. Though I joke, I adore them all semi-equally save for cockroaches; I wouldn't describe my feelings towards them as hatred, but the little fiends are certainly lowest on my super special Like List. Don't feel bad for them, though; You probably are too.

    First thing mortals notice about me: My foreboding aura and intimidating presence, and the fact that I am half their size. On the off chance that I choose my voice to communicate (I prefer to stare you down until you quiver), you will come to realize that, contrary to popular assumption, I do not sound like a chipmunk; The sound is more akin to that of only the most fierce of chattering squirrels.

    I also have the circulation of an 80-year-old woman and I am always, I emphasize, always freezing cold (this is most likely due to my low weight and non-existent ability to perform homeostasis). No, that is not an offer for you to warm me, sweet morsel. In the off chance that we physically touch and you horridly gasp in response to my strangely low body temperature, know ahead of time that such is my state of normal, and no mortician need be called.

    Speaking of the frigid, as cold-hearted as I seemingly am most days, I am an empath tried and true. Next to no emotion can be hidden from me, and I assure you, for myself and those involved, "peering into one's soul" is not just a saying.

    Most private thing(s) I am willing to admit:

    I get freckles on my nose and upper cheeks if I stay in the sun too long (i.e. more than five consecutive minutes at a given time). Thus, I use a fade cream and avoid UV at all costs lest I showcase on my face how many souls I have taken. *winks creepily* The number of souls in my possession is my best-kept secret, and I shalln't disclose it so easily.

    Also: Notice one of my pictures in which I lack any and all cosmetic assistance that I have a few skin blemishes. It does not happen commonly as it stems from a food sensitivity, but on the off chance does occur, I am open about it and bear no shame as I aim to better my complexion. If a few small blemishes on a girl's cheek is enough to deter you, then thank your stars I did not reveal my true demon form to you, for that is what is unmitigatedly ghastly. In conclusion, I will not deny that appearances matter, but the human body is merely the vessel that cages that which I truly desire.

    Motto: Non Compos Mentis. I pridefully parade the phrase around on an engraved necklace, as I do my rabies tag (yes, I am inoculated, and I will show you my papers should I one day choose to masticate upon your delicate flesh). I am truly not kidding. The legendary tale goes as such: Due to an unfortunate bat infestation in my living quarters, eight large gauge needles administered in my arms and thighs later, I am referred to by the local health department as "Bat Girl." I think the title fits, no? We all know the little winged demons simply wanted me to lead their brethren. Seeing as I am now immune, I can only cross my fingers that my clan will return to me come spring so we may pillage the unsuspecting masses as one.

    Miscellaneous: If you ever so desire to understand my contradicting personality, I advise you to look up the definition of the Japanese word "Tsundere." That pretty much sums it up in a pretty little package complete with a big red bow on top. In other words, it will give you a proper chance to flee.

    Question: Do I have a type?
    Answer:Yes.
    Question: Will I disclose it?
    Answer: Nae.

    In my experience, when I have described a certain type of male I am attracted to, be it physical or mental characteristics, it has been an ongoing trend that following suitors, unconsciously or otherwise, have altered their appearance or body language to somehow better suit my preferences. As terrible as this sounds (yes, I realize it, but that does not alter the truth), I believe we have all done this at some point, even if it was beyond our own awarenesses. Suggestion, especially from a beloved one, can have a larger impact than initially intended. As such, I will not describe what I am attracted to. In conclusion, if I converse with you and thus choose you as an interlocutor, then that is all you should be concerned with.

    ***NOTICE***

    Due to some recent solicitations, take heed: I have my own source of income, and I have zero desire to leach off of others. That being said, I am not a "gold-digger." *dramatic gasp* A female on a dating website that does not have an ulterior motive for financial benefit? What an utterly blasphemous concept. Sarcasm aside, I'm not a scam artist with a heinous desire to screw others over, nor do I think American currency is an acceptable barter item for sex. "Sugar Daddies," please take note of this and take your propositions elsewhere. I was raised by an amazing single mother for most all my childhood; Thus, independence, financial and otherwise, is extremely important to me. This being said, I do not expect anything from others, including paying for the festivities of a given evening should you earn the honor of accompanying me.

    In summation, I am an individualist, not a crazy feminist. I strive to take care of myself in all aspects and expect any adult human I associate myself with to be capable of doing the same. However, doing something nice for someone because you enjoy said person's company is acceptable be it a genuine gesture, not a gender conforming act performed out of obligation. In other words, my respect and potential affection are earned, nary purchased. Capisco? Buona e grazie.

    Also, good sirs to whom this applies: If you have an overly suggestive profile photo (i.e. with your masculine loins nearly exposed before my quasi-innocent gaze), as flattered as I am, I will not return your click-visit as I doubt our intentions bear any likeness. No offense to you, and I hope your quest results in many a fertile female fruit.

    Shall we continue? Please note that I am a 0% match with everyone as I have intentionally not answered any questions. I do not rely on a preset matching system as, with the playing field even for all individuals I may so happen to converse with, said interactions must speak solely for themselves. In short, f*** the system.

    In addition, pardon my extensively gratuitous language, but I do not give a putrescent rodent's ass where you live. I have expanded my search beyond my state and nation in last hopes to find what I am searching for. If the idea of my being some thousand miles away hinders you from entertaining the mere idea of us getting acquainted, then make it known and I will cease contact. In my experience, those who want something purely for the sake of convenience are not ones to put forth the adequate effort I both require and provide in a relationship, platonic or otherwise. I am not bitter about the fact; In truth, 'tis quite the opposite. I am thankful for the boldfaced laziness by which save my effort in getting to know someone. I am a Type A who will stop at next to nothing to get what I want in my brief existence -- As such, I would rather put out a campfire with my face than settle with someone who loves and lives a life by motto of sheer convenience. I will end on a note of yet another cliché: The things most worthwhile are nary the easiest to obtain, let alone maintain, and I will accept no other philosophy from any potential suitors or swain.

    (The more faint at heart and/or friendship interests only, do skip over this portion.) On a more erotic note, as for my innerworkings and desires, research DD/lg. (NO - I do not wish to be fed peas and carrots from a princess spoon, I simply desire a true dominant that is caring like that of a paternal figure. You guessed it -- major daddy issues. I have nothing to hide in that regard). If this concept is entirely inconceivable or abhorrent, then please do refrain from continuing a romantic potential pursuit. It is not everyone's cup of tea, and I will do no other than respect thy unwillingness and wish you Godspeed on your journey. I do, however, feel my Dark King is still out there, and I will continue my longful search unswerving and unabashedly.

    Now, if you still harbor the desire to message me, then please go ahead and do so. As for my name in the head of said virtual letter, you may formally address me as Aemilia, and Emily, my birth name, informally. However, seeing as I am solely addressed so casually by my closest of kin, I much prefer being referred to by the former whilst in the stage of getting to know someone (and if you "jump the gun" by attempting to refer to me by a nickname, I will be quick to correct your unfortunate lack of formality). As for the body of the message, for the sake of both our sanities, please refrain from plain "hey," "hi," and "hello," or any variations of the sort. Seeing as I described in detail the importance I place upon effort, I think the following is rather self-explanatory. Nonetheless, actually write something to catch my attention (and keep in mind that I view simply "liking" me as the coward's way out. Since my inbox fills on the daily, I must pay for A-list, so I know exactly who you are and the time at which you cower. This being the case, if I see you visit, "like" me, and message me all within the span of the same minute, I will presume that you did not read anything about me and that you only clicked "like" on the basis of my pictures alone; Thus, I will either call you out on it or delete the hogwash). I do hope you'll manage it as this site is growing tiresome, and I am beginning to feign interest. I do not reply often, if at all, so don't take it personally. There are countless minnows in the sea.

    Again, due to receiving a substantial flux of messages in a given day (most all of which is spam from said countless minnows), it takes a considerable amount of time to go through and determine those of which contain actual substance. As such, my replies will seldom be immediate, but in my view, lack of patience is not becoming of a potential friend or mate. However, if you feel yours has slipped by me unnoticed, do feel free to send another. If I fail to reply then, it probably means I don't care to. Feel pressured not: nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    Oh, and I can be a little dark and morbid at times. If this bothers you, then we most likely won't get along. *hisses freakishly*

    Lastly, another cliché, boring disclaimer that I feel I must disclose. No casual sex offers. I speak frankly to save you your time: I am not on an online quest for a "hook-up," or whatever you penily driven adolescents are calling it these days. The thought of casually partaking in fornication with someone from the internet has "Danger Danger, Will Robinson" written all over it. I included full length pictures to not only portray my personal style (again, I design Neo-Victorian fashion), but to also prove to the skeptical peoples of the internet that I am not a "whiskered fish." Have some class and respect, please, and do try not to act like an ill-mannered peasant in my presence. To the kind non-solicitors: I look forward to conversing with you.

    In the meantime, please partake in the viewing of my favorite few-minute film that perfectly portrays my peculiar persona:

    https://youtu.be/AdYaTa_lOf4

    In waiting,

    Aemilia

    P.S. I will probably never be capable of loving you more than I love Salad Fingers. Sincerest apologies, yet still, I continue to illimitlessly hope.

    ATTENTION: Because my profile is now on Reddit and other people are using my pictures without my explicit permission, a legal disclaimer has been made necessary.

    WARNING: Any institution or person using this site or any of its associated sites: You do not have my permission to use any of my pictures, information from my profile, or anything I post in any of the forums or groups on this website in any form or forum both current or future without prior written consent. You do not have my permission to copy, save, print, or re-post my pictures or information without prior written consent. If you have done or do any of the above, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and personal property and will be subject to all legal remedies.
    nadota.com!

  2. #2
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    pth interview picks O_O

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    Beyond Grantlike iamafuckingretard's Avatar
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    being a girl can be hard

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    I love Love LOVE NADOTA!! Haxity's Avatar
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    not reading that

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    Beyond Grantlike fournsix's Avatar
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    im hungry
    Top 5 Anime (In Chronological Order)
    🌕 Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995)
    😡 Berserk (1997)
    🙏 Kyousougiga (2013)
    😵 Shinsekai Yori (2013)
    😂 Shouwa Genroku Rakugo Shinjuu (2016)

    Contenders for a 5th slot if finished: Jojo, Monogatari, Bungou Stray Dogs, Tokyo Ghoul.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by electrowizard View Post
    My self-summary
    Greetings and salutations, human. *curtsies most gracefully* As a novelist and devotee of the arts, I do not have the time, the patience, nor the proper skill set to socialize in person, so I defer to online means.

    Oh, and per chance it may help to summarize me, though the test has little ground, I am also an INFP. Behold:

    "Unhappy is he to whom the memories of childhood bring only fear and sadness. Wretched is he who looks back upon lone hours in vast and dismal chambers with brown hangings and maddening rows of antique books, or upon awed watches in twilight groves of grotesque, gigantic, and vine-encumbered trees that silently wave twisted branches far aloft. Such a lot the gods gave me -- to me, the dazed. The disappointed; the barren, the broken." -- The Outsider. Need I explain why the short tale resonates so greatly with me? Methinks not.

    Shall we begin?
    What I’m doing with my life
    I typically find joy in pondering the universe and living life to its fullest.

    *chortles* How's that for cliché? My actual agenda is a little more deviant, so I'll be keeping that to myself, thank you very much.
    I’m really good at
    Desecrating Barbie dolls by ripping out their hair and biting the heads off of animal crackers. In conclusion, I'm 90lbs of pure evil.

    Oh, and I am adept at allowing my giant teddy bear (who I have christened "Harold") to be the big spoon in our lover's embrace lest I succumb to the treacherous human feeling dubbed "the loneliness." Fret not, just like the pitchfork wielding villagers, this Loneliness Beast has yet to claim me. Strange as you perceive it to be, Harold, my dearest glass-eyed-stuffed-fur-creature, neither snores nor pushes me off the bed during my few crucial hours of slumber, so this peculiar partnership is particularly preferable to the pestering pompousness of mortal company.

    In short, I graduated high school at the age of 16, so I'm also unfathomably skilled at being antisocial (nae, I amn't narcissistic. Why on this Earth would I boast such an otherwise undesirable quality?) This being the case, stuffed animals and non-human creatures have long since become my truest of friends, and should this bother you, che liberazione.

    I can also solve a scrambled Rubik's Cube in under 34 seconds, and I could do it in a much faster manner if it weren't for my ineffective hands. *looks down at them with great spite* Damn these pitifully-sized things.

    I am also prone to getting in arguments with professors due to my blatant refusal to cease using the traditional Oxford comma, and I have spent many a year raiding Goodwills and back-alley thrift stores for First Edition classics and worn vintage bibles from long-dead pastors. It's a skill beckoning to be harnessed much like any other.

    Now beware, readers, for I am frequently told I am "sassy." In my unsolicited opinion, I much prefer the terms "spirited" and/or "one that beholds a personality putrid enough to peel paint." I believe the latter is far more fitting. My nicknames growing up also included "witch" and "abomination!" bestowed upon me by all the other schoolyard children as they pelted me with rocks and hit me with evergreen sticks. This being said, I try to be as pleasant as I can with most all persons, but if you come off too strong as though you are entitled to my attention and physical company, do be aware that I will metaphorically hand your ass to you (she says in the kindest of tones). Now, please continue on should you wish to discover an extensive list of my most favored worldly things.
    Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
    Books: Classic literature (one of my most prized possessions in my Harvard's Classics collection gifted to me by my father and mentor, printed in 1910. That, and my Bible from the 1880's. If 'twas not evident already, I take great delight in possessions old and worn).

    Movies: Horror and Disney (I double devilishly dare you to show me something that will make me flinch as said feat is borderline impossible. The only thing I cringe from is the thought of my own existence). I also enjoy viewing many a classic film devoid of all color; This world would be a great deal more tolerable for me if it closely followed suit.

    Shows: Anything medical related and/or that is composed of talking animals. After years of loyal viewing, I still have full hopes that The Wonder Pets will save my day should I ever find myself in a near inescapable bind. Ming-Ming is just so damn fuzzy.

    Music: Classical to metal, from Tchaikovsky to DevilDriver and Nox Arcana; My tastes are rather varied. I am trained in classical piano, so I am biased towards said discipline. Though, I also take interest in ragtime (I am told I look quite ominous with the dark hair that casts shadows upon my peculiar face as I play. All the better to frighten you with, m'dear). Furthermore, despite my tendon injury to my left hand, and much to the chagrin of my physician, I have recently taken up violin again.
    ♫ Ain't nothin' ever gonna keep me down! ♫

    Furthermore, in addition my arduous schooling and my passion of playing the piano and violin, I am in the process of perfecting my drawing hand for both pencil art and classic calligraphy. I also ride many a wild steed as a trained equestrian (which, be forewarned, I take rather seriously and will most likely attempt to mount your back for adequate daily practice). I am also an aspiring Linguist and study four languages (including, but not limited to: Latin, Russian, Italian, and Romanian, with some dabbling in Old and Middle English). In summation, I partake in more than a few hobbies which keeps me rather preoccupied. Independence and emotional stability (i.e. no neediness) are thus imperative qualities in any male I may consider as a potential mate.

    Food: My palate is keen to fetuses of all races and religions so long as they aren't too tough to chew or spicy in flavor. Dramatisism aside, I am on a strict diet, so I am not one to eat at public food establishments save for a very rare occasion. This extensive list of distaste also includes coffee as, regardless of its compound, said vile concoction is like drinking the Black Death in a cup. I also find alcoholic beverages rather unappealing regardless of the age restriction, so if one offers to treat me to a colorful liquid that reeks of a smell similar to isopropyl, I must kindly decline. Apologies in advance, though I am not opposed to communing with drunkards from a prudent distance.
    The six things I could never do without
    I. Fuzzy things (if you do not avidly partake in the splendor that is caressing fuzzy things, then be gone from my page and return from whence you came).

    II. Books (gotta stand on something to look through my apartment peephole). I read them sometimes, too, and by "them," I refer to the thousand or so vintage editions I have spread about because I prefer to read on the floor and sleep on the bookshelf. Aye, this little demon creature beith haphazard chaos disguised in insignificantly sized human form.

    III. My piano (also doubles as a bed -- I speaketh no shit. Come to think of it, so does the top of my fridge. In essence, I sleep anywhere I'm not supposed to that is on higher ground). Inside of said piano, I cuddle my dusty violin and silently cry in mourning of my severed superficialis tendon due to a permanent injury I sustained from broken glass. The digit impairment hinders my playing ability somewhat and continues to cause me aching pain on the daily. However, it does not stop me entirely, and with this single existence I was granted from whatever power above, I allow myself no other recourse save for being fervent in pressing forward from my frequent falter.

    IV. Mosquito repellent (cuz them dirty bitches be suckin' me all night long. Welcome to Virginia, I suppose). Truthfully, the Culicoidea masses cannot resist me.

    V. Sunblock SPF 10,000 (someone patent it... please, for the love of God). Lest I burn like that of a charred pumpernickel, I avoid the Sun like the Bubonic Plague. Having once had to dodge between school buildings like a nimble alley cat only to get burned despite my best efforts, I have come to terms with just how intolerant my integumentary system is to the likes of horrific ultraviolet fire-rays. As such, I now ride horses at night in a lighted ring and most all of my courses are scheduled after nightfall.

    VI. A six-speed manual transmission (who would pass up the opportunity to speed shift?) Yes, I adamantly refuse to operate a vehicle that is not standard lest I be robbed blind of the proper driving experience.

    VII. A seventh thing for bonus points: Sunglasses. I have suffered from horrendous light-induced migraines since early childhood, so a pair of dark shades are truly heaven sent in my times of piercing pain.

    VIII. And lastly, because limits are a foreign concept to me, an eighth thing: the gentle touch of a cat's cold, wet nose. 'Tis the purest form of delight and joy on this otherwise forsaken planet. *shamelessly squeals with girlish glee*
    I spend a lot of time thinking about
    My having been born in the wrong century. Everyone and their grandmothers know I was an arrogant aristocrat in another life.

    I also intensively question why the scant amount of adipose tissue I manage to gain goes straight to my chipmunk cheeks. The next time someone pinches them, I swear upon Asmodeus himself, said heinous act will be that person's last!

    In addition, I spend many a minute licking my wounds that I sustain every time I crawl up from Hell. *places a cold compress upon my lacerated knees* I really do need to find a more efficient way up here, but you mortals are just too tempting for me to stay down below. *menacingly flashes my teeth*

    Also, why many a person assume I have the temperament of a female dog. I am rather pleasant unless otherwise provoked. I prefer peace and turning the other cheek, but after a certain point, I assure you my retaliation is in defense of harassment, which I believe we are all entitled to fighting against.

    I am also working on getting an invention patented, so that has been taking up the good majority of my time lately.
    On a typical Friday night I am
    Building my Gothic Empire.

    I also typically ponder why I look so damn young, yet feel so ancient. Then, after sipping a cup of life-liquid as I play myself in countless matches of chess, I bask in the stinging pain of unfulfillment, star gaze, moon bathe, and talk in hushed tones to things that aren't actually there. Dost thou still desire to be my friend? If such be case, I woefully offer my commiseration as you give your life to me in the name of my sustenance.
    You should message me if
    The thought of allowing a dark angel to explore every corner of your mortal soul is not entirely abhorrent, and if you possess the necessary male bravado and lack of self-preservation required to do so.

    Your common questions answered:

    - No, I am not a farce, cynical persons hailing from the land of "Teh Interweb." As much as I'd like to just be a figment of your imagination, I do inhabit a human body from time to time. A lilliputian one, at that. *glares at you with the chilling promise of death lest you feel inclined to make a stature comment* Bear in mind that what I lack in vertical inches, I make up for in credit score. Still, to ease the mind of the average cynic, I recently acquired this questionable contraption called "Snap of Chat." If we get that far, due to the prevalence of skepticism in this day and age from males and females alike, I will verify my identity with the help of said application. Oh, how my face gets from here to there with the simple touch of a button, I will never conceive of. Teleportation? Nae, magic. Technology... 'tis a work of true sorcery.

    - No, I do not worship Satan. I can appreciate the beauty of Darkness without bowing down to its Lord. I cannot proclaim the same for Lucifer, however; What my eldest cat-child does in his free time is of his own choosing.

    - My major, as that is third in line for the most common opening questions I receive. I am an English Literature major with plans to become a university professor. Yes, that means I may have a long road ahead of me in terms of schooling. *shrugs nonchalantly* What can I say? My longest standing love is academia. But, quote some Tennyson and I might make some room in my cold, unbeating heart for a mortal male companion. In the meantime whilst obtaining said degree, I make a living through the cliché method of entrepreneurship through which I design and sell handmade clothing, you see. I am also employed by a large undisclosed company, meaning that I spend what little remaining free time I possess slaving for the system. Lastly, and most importantly, my ultimate undying passion entails assuming the life of a published author. If said path of authorship takes flight, in addition to the company, I may consider leaving school to pursue jotting down what I see in the realm of my personal imaginings full-time. Huzzah.

    * Important update: I have since left formal schooling to purse opportunities in the profession of the arts. Never in my four hundred years of existence did I think I'd say this, but: hashtag, no regrets. If you have any questions regarding how I earn my living or my change in profession, you may ask them accordingly.

    Random questions I am also asked:

    Natural hair color (do males honestly care?) Regardless, I will answer in an effort to diminish the number of repetitive questions: I was born with jet black hair and pallid skin (oh, how that scared the holiness out of blond-haired, blue-eyed blood kin. My only sibling thus adamantly asserts that, sometime during my early infancy, I was found inside a chain restaurant's dumpster. Oh, brother dearest; Why dost thou still hate me so?) Most unfortunately, my strands turned to dark brown as I aged. As such, I tint it back to my preferred raven shade using a combination of natural henna and indigo. Update: After several years of my raven locks, I am considering returning to my natural shade of brown. Again, this is merely a thought, and the matter depends solely on if my hair is a permanently stained as my soul is.

    Pets: I have five feline playfellows, all black males, formal names Asmodeus, Astaroth, Alastor, Amaymon, and Abalam; Informal: Lucifer, Grimm, Rudolf, Frederik, and Viktor. They are my protectors and closest of brethren, so thou must neither be allergic or opposed.

    Tattoos: None, and I have no desire to be inked or pierced. I do not like the look, and I am not partial to permanence in regards to my aesthetic. I am however unopposed to ink on a male suitor so long as it can be covered effectively in a professional setting.

    Heritage: I presume I am asked this question often because of the contrast of my light and dark features. Indeed, I am not a pureblooded Celt. I am 100% European, hailing straight down from the Scottish clan MacMillan, hence the root of my surname. My mother, however, is full-blooded Russian with darker features. Thus, upon exiting the womb, I look rather Black Irish. This is true, if only I were actually Irish; Alas, I am simply a proud Scot who partakes in Celtic festivities as well as the frequent pillaging of mortals' villages. My history is rather... complicated, so simply shrug obediently and ask questions not.

    Bonus feature: I have five beauty marks on my upper, outer left thigh that form an upside down pentagram. Thus, I have been marked since birth. *cackles maniacally* And so it begins...

    Am I religious? Yes, though my beliefs are rather private and I do not discuss them often. This being said, I will accept nothing less than religious tolerance for myself and for the spiritual beliefs of others. In short, live and let live, but when push comes to shove and that shove involves your assertions down my esophagus, I will push back, and bear in mind that my orifice of choice won't be as forthcoming. Sí? Bene.

    Favorite scent: Cinnamon, spice, and nothing nice. I am frequently told I smell like it.

    Favorite animal: Depends on how they're cooked. Though I joke, I adore them all semi-equally save for cockroaches; I wouldn't describe my feelings towards them as hatred, but the little fiends are certainly lowest on my super special Like List. Don't feel bad for them, though; You probably are too.

    First thing mortals notice about me: My foreboding aura and intimidating presence, and the fact that I am half their size. On the off chance that I choose my voice to communicate (I prefer to stare you down until you quiver), you will come to realize that, contrary to popular assumption, I do not sound like a chipmunk; The sound is more akin to that of only the most fierce of chattering squirrels.

    I also have the circulation of an 80-year-old woman and I am always, I emphasize, always freezing cold (this is most likely due to my low weight and non-existent ability to perform homeostasis). No, that is not an offer for you to warm me, sweet morsel. In the off chance that we physically touch and you horridly gasp in response to my strangely low body temperature, know ahead of time that such is my state of normal, and no mortician need be called.

    Speaking of the frigid, as cold-hearted as I seemingly am most days, I am an empath tried and true. Next to no emotion can be hidden from me, and I assure you, for myself and those involved, "peering into one's soul" is not just a saying.

    Most private thing(s) I am willing to admit:

    I get freckles on my nose and upper cheeks if I stay in the sun too long (i.e. more than five consecutive minutes at a given time). Thus, I use a fade cream and avoid UV at all costs lest I showcase on my face how many souls I have taken. *winks creepily* The number of souls in my possession is my best-kept secret, and I shalln't disclose it so easily.

    Also: Notice one of my pictures in which I lack any and all cosmetic assistance that I have a few skin blemishes. It does not happen commonly as it stems from a food sensitivity, but on the off chance does occur, I am open about it and bear no shame as I aim to better my complexion. If a few small blemishes on a girl's cheek is enough to deter you, then thank your stars I did not reveal my true demon form to you, for that is what is unmitigatedly ghastly. In conclusion, I will not deny that appearances matter, but the human body is merely the vessel that cages that which I truly desire.

    Motto: Non Compos Mentis. I pridefully parade the phrase around on an engraved necklace, as I do my rabies tag (yes, I am inoculated, and I will show you my papers should I one day choose to masticate upon your delicate flesh). I am truly not kidding. The legendary tale goes as such: Due to an unfortunate bat infestation in my living quarters, eight large gauge needles administered in my arms and thighs later, I am referred to by the local health department as "Bat Girl." I think the title fits, no? We all know the little winged demons simply wanted me to lead their brethren. Seeing as I am now immune, I can only cross my fingers that my clan will return to me come spring so we may pillage the unsuspecting masses as one.

    Miscellaneous: If you ever so desire to understand my contradicting personality, I advise you to look up the definition of the Japanese word "Tsundere." That pretty much sums it up in a pretty little package complete with a big red bow on top. In other words, it will give you a proper chance to flee.

    Question: Do I have a type?
    Answer:Yes.
    Question: Will I disclose it?
    Answer: Nae.

    In my experience, when I have described a certain type of male I am attracted to, be it physical or mental characteristics, it has been an ongoing trend that following suitors, unconsciously or otherwise, have altered their appearance or body language to somehow better suit my preferences. As terrible as this sounds (yes, I realize it, but that does not alter the truth), I believe we have all done this at some point, even if it was beyond our own awarenesses. Suggestion, especially from a beloved one, can have a larger impact than initially intended. As such, I will not describe what I am attracted to. In conclusion, if I converse with you and thus choose you as an interlocutor, then that is all you should be concerned with.

    ***NOTICE***

    Due to some recent solicitations, take heed: I have my own source of income, and I have zero desire to leach off of others. That being said, I am not a "gold-digger." *dramatic gasp* A female on a dating website that does not have an ulterior motive for financial benefit? What an utterly blasphemous concept. Sarcasm aside, I'm not a scam artist with a heinous desire to screw others over, nor do I think American currency is an acceptable barter item for sex. "Sugar Daddies," please take note of this and take your propositions elsewhere. I was raised by an amazing single mother for most all my childhood; Thus, independence, financial and otherwise, is extremely important to me. This being said, I do not expect anything from others, including paying for the festivities of a given evening should you earn the honor of accompanying me.

    In summation, I am an individualist, not a crazy feminist. I strive to take care of myself in all aspects and expect any adult human I associate myself with to be capable of doing the same. However, doing something nice for someone because you enjoy said person's company is acceptable be it a genuine gesture, not a gender conforming act performed out of obligation. In other words, my respect and potential affection are earned, nary purchased. Capisco? Buona e grazie.

    Also, good sirs to whom this applies: If you have an overly suggestive profile photo (i.e. with your masculine loins nearly exposed before my quasi-innocent gaze), as flattered as I am, I will not return your click-visit as I doubt our intentions bear any likeness. No offense to you, and I hope your quest results in many a fertile female fruit.

    Shall we continue? Please note that I am a 0% match with everyone as I have intentionally not answered any questions. I do not rely on a preset matching system as, with the playing field even for all individuals I may so happen to converse with, said interactions must speak solely for themselves. In short, f*** the system.

    In addition, pardon my extensively gratuitous language, but I do not give a putrescent rodent's ass where you live. I have expanded my search beyond my state and nation in last hopes to find what I am searching for. If the idea of my being some thousand miles away hinders you from entertaining the mere idea of us getting acquainted, then make it known and I will cease contact. In my experience, those who want something purely for the sake of convenience are not ones to put forth the adequate effort I both require and provide in a relationship, platonic or otherwise. I am not bitter about the fact; In truth, 'tis quite the opposite. I am thankful for the boldfaced laziness by which save my effort in getting to know someone. I am a Type A who will stop at next to nothing to get what I want in my brief existence -- As such, I would rather put out a campfire with my face than settle with someone who loves and lives a life by motto of sheer convenience. I will end on a note of yet another cliché: The things most worthwhile are nary the easiest to obtain, let alone maintain, and I will accept no other philosophy from any potential suitors or swain.

    (The more faint at heart and/or friendship interests only, do skip over this portion.) On a more erotic note, as for my innerworkings and desires, research DD/lg. (NO - I do not wish to be fed peas and carrots from a princess spoon, I simply desire a true dominant that is caring like that of a paternal figure. You guessed it -- major daddy issues. I have nothing to hide in that regard). If this concept is entirely inconceivable or abhorrent, then please do refrain from continuing a romantic potential pursuit. It is not everyone's cup of tea, and I will do no other than respect thy unwillingness and wish you Godspeed on your journey. I do, however, feel my Dark King is still out there, and I will continue my longful search unswerving and unabashedly.

    Now, if you still harbor the desire to message me, then please go ahead and do so. As for my name in the head of said virtual letter, you may formally address me as Aemilia, and Emily, my birth name, informally. However, seeing as I am solely addressed so casually by my closest of kin, I much prefer being referred to by the former whilst in the stage of getting to know someone (and if you "jump the gun" by attempting to refer to me by a nickname, I will be quick to correct your unfortunate lack of formality). As for the body of the message, for the sake of both our sanities, please refrain from plain "hey," "hi," and "hello," or any variations of the sort. Seeing as I described in detail the importance I place upon effort, I think the following is rather self-explanatory. Nonetheless, actually write something to catch my attention (and keep in mind that I view simply "liking" me as the coward's way out. Since my inbox fills on the daily, I must pay for A-list, so I know exactly who you are and the time at which you cower. This being the case, if I see you visit, "like" me, and message me all within the span of the same minute, I will presume that you did not read anything about me and that you only clicked "like" on the basis of my pictures alone; Thus, I will either call you out on it or delete the hogwash). I do hope you'll manage it as this site is growing tiresome, and I am beginning to feign interest. I do not reply often, if at all, so don't take it personally. There are countless minnows in the sea.

    Again, due to receiving a substantial flux of messages in a given day (most all of which is spam from said countless minnows), it takes a considerable amount of time to go through and determine those of which contain actual substance. As such, my replies will seldom be immediate, but in my view, lack of patience is not becoming of a potential friend or mate. However, if you feel yours has slipped by me unnoticed, do feel free to send another. If I fail to reply then, it probably means I don't care to. Feel pressured not: nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    Oh, and I can be a little dark and morbid at times. If this bothers you, then we most likely won't get along. *hisses freakishly*

    Lastly, another cliché, boring disclaimer that I feel I must disclose. No casual sex offers. I speak frankly to save you your time: I am not on an online quest for a "hook-up," or whatever you penily driven adolescents are calling it these days. The thought of casually partaking in fornication with someone from the internet has "Danger Danger, Will Robinson" written all over it. I included full length pictures to not only portray my personal style (again, I design Neo-Victorian fashion), but to also prove to the skeptical peoples of the internet that I am not a "whiskered fish." Have some class and respect, please, and do try not to act like an ill-mannered peasant in my presence. To the kind non-solicitors: I look forward to conversing with you.

    In the meantime, please partake in the viewing of my favorite few-minute film that perfectly portrays my peculiar persona:

    https://youtu.be/AdYaTa_lOf4

    In waiting,

    Aemilia

    P.S. I will probably never be capable of loving you more than I love Salad Fingers. Sincerest apologies, yet still, I continue to illimitlessly hope.

    ATTENTION: Because my profile is now on Reddit and other people are using my pictures without my explicit permission, a legal disclaimer has been made necessary.

    WARNING: Any institution or person using this site or any of its associated sites: You do not have my permission to use any of my pictures, information from my profile, or anything I post in any of the forums or groups on this website in any form or forum both current or future without prior written consent. You do not have my permission to copy, save, print, or re-post my pictures or information without prior written consent. If you have done or do any of the above, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and personal property and will be subject to all legal remedies.
    Hot

  7. #7
    Beyond Grantlike iamafuckingretard's Avatar
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    give me your tired, your poor, your obnoxiously flamboyant bookish white girls with infinite amounts of the stupid kind of selfawareness and none of the actually useful kind

  8. #8
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    I have an erection

  9. #9
    Godlike a2pas's Avatar
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    this document serves as a suicide note. His last will and testament.
    Quote Originally Posted by yung_nigga_sigma View Post
    No, I moved states in both cases when I found out they were pregnant. I don't have a Facebook and never tell people my last name so it's hard to track me down

  10. #10
    Beyond Grantlike iamafuckingretard's Avatar
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    honestly not using the Æ character in Aemilia was a pretty big turnoff

  11. #11
    Beyond Grantlike electrowizard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iamafuckingretard View Post
    give me your tired, your poor, your obnoxiously flamboyant bookish white girls with infinite amounts of the stupid kind of selfawareness and none of the actually useful kind
    Iaafr is just pissed he doesn't have a girl who dresses in the neo-victorian style *chortles*
    nadota.com!

  12. #12
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    god go fuck youtself you faggot

  13. #13
    Godlike a2pas's Avatar
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    please move this post to the jones e-dating MEgathraead
    Quote Originally Posted by yung_nigga_sigma View Post
    No, I moved states in both cases when I found out they were pregnant. I don't have a Facebook and never tell people my last name so it's hard to track me down

  14. #14
    Beyond Grantlike iamafuckingretard's Avatar
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    i was so ready for it

    and its just a capital a and a lowercase e

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    jeremiah merchant <ASDFASDFASDF@reply.craigslist.org>

    3:32 PM (48 minutes ago)

    to ME
    What's up

    http://auburn.craigslist.org/m4w/5978873174.html

  16. #16
    Beyond Grantlike iamafuckingretard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by electrowizard View Post
    Iaafr is just pissed he doesn't have a girl who dresses in the neo-victorian style *chortles*
    are you sure i dont

  17. #17
    Beyond Grantlike electrowizard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dancingdude View Post
    god go fuck youtself you faggot
    ?
    nadota.com!

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    What's up

  19. #19
    Beyond Grantlike electrowizard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iamafuckingretard View Post
    are you sure i dont
    Prove it
    nadota.com!

  20. #20
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    is this a dating profile thing

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